Thursday, November 27, 2014

Surviving Thanksgiving


The first Thanksgiving Mike and I spent together in 1999, we went out for Indian food. We thought it would be a lark to be totally untraditional, and we did that together for a few years until we moved to Hawaii. Once we got here we started hosting the holiday ourselves with various groups of family and friends over the years. I have a lot of fond memories of it all. But in truth, Mike and I together were never super big on any of the holiday kaboozle. We could take it or leave it…and some years, we did leave it, preferring instead to take it easy. Those were good years too.

Honestly I can’t believe another year has gone by. Today is my second Thanksgiving without him. If not for the hoo-hah surrounding the holiday season, on TV, in stores, I probably could just very well ignore the whole thing. Last year, I did. Like an ostrich with its head in the sand, as much as I could avoid it, I did not mark either Thanksgiving or Christmas really at all. I couldn’t bear any sort of special meal or event with that empty chair staring at me.

But here we are again. And things have changed during this past year. I can’t avoid the fact that relationships have shifted, new people are in my life, and I have new projects and responsibilities. So while I’m not planning anything big, I will be stopping by a couple of family and friends to mark the day…but more for them, not for me. I find myself wanting to be supportive of the relationships around me. So that’s my priority this year. And I’m going to hope there won’t be that empty chair staring at me.

Honestly, I’m just glad I survived this year. I can’t help but think, as I’m writing this, of the first Thanksgiving, as we are told the story. That group of Pilgrims who celebrated having enough crops to survive the coming winter of 1621, thanks to the help from the Native Americans. So many Pilgrims had died the year before without enough food. So that first year, they were essentially celebrating survival.

This year, I can say that maybe, a little, I find myself in a similar state of mind. I am grateful I have enough food, and a roof over my head. So many widows I know struggle with even these basic necessities after the loss of their spouses. I am also grateful for the friends and family, my therapist, and fellow widows and widowers who have stood by me during these 21 months without Mike - they taught me the resources and tools I needed to make it, much like that local tribe did so long ago. I am grateful…yes, I really am grateful, that I have survived. 

And that is really saying a lot, because in the beginning after he died I didn’t much care whether I did or not. 






6 comments:

  1. Stephanie, I also am here for my 2nd Thanksgiving without Jon and as I write this I am sitting across from the EMPTY chair pondering your words. I to didn't think I'd make it this far-the only certain thought I had in this last 22 months is that I wish I had died with him. Going on can be so difficult some moments worse than others but always a realization that packs a punch. Learning to live after his death and be thankful for this life now is difficult at times.
    Today I will have Thanksgiving with Jons family at my house, I know it will be difficult because in reality I still do not feel like celebrating the holidays. I am still just finding my way a day at a time but I am grateful that I have survived and that they are in my life.
    Thank you and all the writers here for sharing your souls every week it makes this journey less lonely and survival a little easier.
    Hope and Hugs, Michele

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    1. Hi Michele, thank you for sharing this. It just sucks, doesn't it. I hope your day went well. Sending hugs.

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  2. Two years ago was the last Thanksgiving I had with my wife. So now 2 years has passed, now all the family gatherings of birthdays and hollidays are in the past. Nobody on her side is left, and mine is thin. At times I sit in awe that this is where I am, and been on my own this long. I am grateful of the years we had, but sad that it came to an end. Hard to move forward without looking back, for there was happiness and joy. I find some joy in things I do, and continue on with life that I have, and in all reality I am thankful for that.

    God Bless

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    1. Yes - awe. I am thankful you're finding ways to continue on. It's so hard.

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  3. Hello, thanksgiving for me sad.. Actually wasn't feeling well that day..two deaths one on each side day before .. Sad.. Funerals yet t b.. All too real.. Agan.. But Iam thankful for everything I had in my married yrs .. Wouldn't change it... Thankful now for new blessings grandchildren to enjoy.. Oh how he would hv loved them.. Yr post is good one, what time we all hv left we can b thankful, to God that e will b w our loved ones agan... Rev. 21... God Bless

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    1. Yes 1974, I hope to be with them again. It's a nice thought. God bless you too.

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