Sunday, May 4, 2014

The Dream & The Death


Today is a very big day. In just a few hours, I will be loading up nine of my large framed photos and delivering them safely to the local hospital for my first solo art exhibition. It is a lifelong dream come true. And mostly, it has been incredible. I told my counselor the other day that it feels like a dream… that it feels like I got dropped into someone else's life all of the sudden and that I got really lucky, because their life happens to be all the things that I always wanted my own life to be. Like, hey, I could get used to this!

But of course, it's not ALL the things I wanted my life to be. We all know that. He is not here. I may 100% believe that he can see everything I'm doing and he is working overtime to help align things and forge this new path for me… but that doesn't change the fact that he cannot stand next to me for this moment.

It is especially bittersweet because I was here to see him reach his greatest dreams. After years of hard work - after the two of us sitting on my couch night after night while he taught me more than I ever thought I'd know about helicopters - he finished flight school and got his flight instructor certification. I watched him transform from a someone who was very scared of actually accomplishing his dreams to someone who was totally committed to achieving them. I remember how incredible it was to stand by his side for that. To watch him so fully step into himself was one of the greatest honors of my young life.

In the past few weeks, I am realizing that the journey I have been on for the past two years - since he died - has actually been the same journey I watched him go through in our 3 years together. Not the grief part per say, but all the rest. Grappling with the fear of fully committing myself to my dreams of being a successful artist. Having all I needed in place and lined up before me and still being afraid to step through that open door. Afraid to fail. Afraid of what people would think. Afraid to lose more pieces of my old life and therefore him. Man, stepping through that door is freakin' scary no matter HOW bright it looks. It feels selfish. And that voice pops up again and again saying "WHO do you think YOU are? Sit back down". When you add his loss into that equation, it makes it even more complicated.

Because here's the thing… this is all happening because he died. All of the choices I have made - quitting my job, moving away, starting over - all the imagery I have created, all the words I have written, all the opportunities that have come into my life. All of it - every single piece - is in my life because he is dead. His death has been the wellspring of everything beautiful in the past two years of my life. And that feels really weird. To be SO grateful for things that are happening because he is dead. It makes you feel like you are being grateful that this person is dead. Logically of course you are not - you are grateful for the gifts that came out of that death - but it feels weird. And I don't quite know what to do with that. I would give anything to have him back here, but for the first time since he died - that wish also involves erasing a new part of myself and my life that means a lot to me and brings me much joy. It's a lot to have rolling around in an already-analytical mind, I tell ya!

So as I pack up all my photos and head out to set up my first show - I know, it's going to be pretty emotional. I have been imagining it for days now… hanging the last photo up on the wall. Stepping down and walking back to take it all in for the first time. To look on the entire past two years of my life captured through these photos. My entire private world of grief literally up on the wall for all the world to see. It's going to make me really sad. It's also going to make me really happy and really proud and really satisfied. It's going to be all those emotions - the painful and the positive, the dream and the death, all mixed together. But the best part is that I know I am stepping into the next big chapter of something that he began with me. He bought me my first real camera. And many of the lenses I still use today. He was there for the first juried show I had work in. And somehow, he is still very much here for this next leg of my journey...

He is here in that fact that his parents will be the ones helping me hang my show up today. They have been on this journey with me every step of the way - extending his love through their own hearts. He is here in every photo, in every emotion held within my images, in every story I tell. Really, very truly, he made every single one of those photographs with me. It's been a collaboration beyond anything we could have made before he crossed over.

So there we three will stand today. And the tears they will come. We will cry because of what is in front of us. Because of this awesome accomplishment and this work we are all so proud of. And we will also cry for who is not beside us. For who should be beside us. And for who we are looking back at in those images before us. Damn it all, I'm crying already!






16 comments:

  1. You are so beautiful and I am so proud of you. How weird that my Adelphi students comedy show - one of M big days - is also today. At 6pm in the city. I will be thinking of you, and I wish like hell I could be there in person to see your art and your debut, but I wish even more that Drew could be there in person. And I GET this 100%, because its the same for me. With my writing, my book, my comedy material - its all come out of his death, and that makes me feel so weird too. We have so much in common, and Im so thankful you are in my life - and Im going to choose to think that our guys brought us to each other somehow. Its like that dream I had where you were flying the plane and I was terrified and you were telling me its going to be okay ... that felt like them both pushing us to the next thing. It felt like they were there with us. Love you . Kick ass today (I doubt thats what you say before an art exhibit, but thats what IM saying lol). xo.

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    1. I SO thought of you while I was writing this one this morning. I knew it would resonate so much with you. I am so glad we found each other and that we have this part of our journey to share together. I have no doubt they must have brought us together - hell, look how well we get along, surely THEY must get along pretty freakin well too! I'm so glad your show today went well!! I wish i could have been up there too! Keep on kicking all that ass that you kick! And thank you for all your amazing support. Really. You have made a difference in my life.

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  2. He is here in every photo, in every emotion held within my images, in every story I tell.

    Totally. I feel this way about my writing, teaching, audio - whatever. He's inside all of it. It's both beautiful and bizarre to be so thankful for what has been created, and still nauseous at why it was created.

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    1. Yes! You said it so well Megan! thankful and nauseous sums it up so well. Thank so you much for sharing that!

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  3. You've worked so hard to get to this place Sarah. Best wishes for your showing.

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    1. Thank you SO much Sandy - for all your continued support!

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  4. I admire your confidence. Congrats on this achievement!

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  5. Congratulations Sarah. How weird I was just talking about this last night to some friends about my own life. My path has veered now due to his death, and I do have things to be grateful for...so many different feelings associated with this. Thank you for sharing this, I think it's an important point so many of us widows will grapple with.

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    1. I am so glad it resonated with you Stephanie. Its definitely such a difficult part of the whole thing - like having one foot in each different world at the same time. Thank you for reading and sharing

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  6. Thank you for this Sarah, I'm at two years too and I grapple with reconciling the gifts and the grief and the guilt. It can get confusing and complicated and I find that coming here is the only place where I sometimes find clarity. You and Kelley both clarify many things for me. Congratulations and best wishes on your exhibit.

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    1. You are so right - it seems the farther out we get from that awful day, the more complex things become. More emotions to balance all together. I'm so glad this resonated with you - keep on keeping on my friend! And thank you for reading and sharing your experience

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  7. Congrats Sarah! I really admire your strength and your words give me hope that I'll be able to fulfill my goals as well. I hope this is the beginning of something wonderful for you.

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    1. Thank you so much Tracy! Keep on going - never give up. You SO can do it!!

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  8. This really hit home for me too. It's very confusing when I find myself feeling 'happy' and blessed because of something that has happened as an indirect result of his death. It's like I'm glad to have that awareness but guilty for feeling happy and sad that I can't share it with him (even though I know it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't of died). So exhausting trying to process these things! Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone and congratulations on your beautiful work

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  9. Sarah, Thank you for posting and congratulations on your art show! I know exactly how you feel. My husband passed away suddenly on May 10, 2012 from an undetected Pulmonary Embolism and our two daughters were only 19 & 15 at the time. Both girls later participated in two different programs (the younger one at a summer campy in Rhode Island and the older spent a semester studying abroad) and both were helped tremendously (academically, emotionally, socially) but they were both able to do it because they they qualified for financial scholarships based on the death of their father. So I had a fine line of being happy for them but also not wanted them to feel like were able to have wonderful experiences because he died. As a cancer survivor, I also have written several entries for different Cancer Support blogs because people found me by reading my postings on my personal blog. And I've been selected as a candidate for the 2014 Woman of the Year for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) - Arkansas Division. I've been fundraising for this wonderful organization that helps blood cancer patients by providing financial assistance and supports cancer research. I know that he would be standing by me the entire time - he was so proud when I went into remission - almost 13 years ago! The ironic thing is that the Grand Finale Banquet is on May 15, 2014 - exactly two years to the day of his funeral.

    Congratulation and Best Wishes to Sarah, Kelley, Stephanie and all the other widow/widowers who are striving to keep our loved ones spirit and memory alive while we continue on with this new life we find ourselves in.

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  10. Congrats Sarah! I want to tell you that all the recent good things happened to you NOT because he died, but IN SPITE of his not being physically around to support you. I think you would have done great things in life anyways because you have talent and desire to have a meaningful life. You can give yourself extra credit for being able to do so even when life has been extremely difficult. Hope you had a great time at the exhibition. Lots of good wishes for your future projects.

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