Friday, April 25, 2014

Cowardly "Friends"

People on social media are always passing around these stories about very old, married couples, who die within days of one another, at the age of 92 or something, because they simply could not live without the other person for one more second. "Isn't that so beautiful?", they ooohhh and aaahhhh. "She died, and then he couldn't bear to be without her for even 48 hours, so he died too. It's so sweet!" And yes, it is sweet.

However, why do people go all wacky for these stories about people they don't even know, yet whenever I express how difficult it is to live my life without my husband on this earth with me; or say that, yes, I still miss him and love him and always will, and that I will move forward but never move "on", and I will carry him in my heart and find ways to honor him because he is a part of me forever - some people get all uncomfortable and creeped out. Really? So if you're 90 years old and about to die, then it's sweet and wonderful and amazing. But if the love of your life is taken from you by sudden death when you are 39 and in the beginning years of your marriage, somehow it is strange that you would still be in love with this person who you were planning on spending your life with??? No. I'm sorry. I don't buy it.

I am getting really tired of being constantly judged by people who have absolutely no clue what it is to lose your partner - no idea of the road I travel. Earlier today, some coward posted an anonymous comment on my comedy You Tube channel, calling me "sad" and "pathetic" because I'm "in love with someone who isn't even alive anymore" and "still haven't moved on from this." They wrote, among other things, that it is really "unfortunate" what happened to me, but that "we all have problems" and I am "making this the focal point" of my life. They also said that they found it "tacky" that I would "use my husband's death" to write a book and to "get material for comedy sets." Here is the best part: this person, who wrote these vile and nasty and off-base comments, claimed to be "a friend" who is "just looking out for me and concerned, and posting anonymously so you won't be upset with me." Right. Because why on earth would I ever be upset that someone would accuse me of using my husband's death for some sort of - I don't even know - gain? Honestly, it hurts and stabs my heart just to type that thought. This person's comments on my page left me a bit shaky, and completely speechless. I just don't get it. I truly don't. I don't get how a person can be so judgmental of a path they have never walked. I don't understand why someone would go out of their way to write this to me - to hurt me on purpose that way. Why? What is the point?

 The thing that baffles me the most, though, is how anyone can find the idea of loving someone until forever, to be sad and pathetic. I will love my husband forever. And if there is such a thing as longer than forever, I will love him then too. I will also do my best to create a life for myself and to live that life - a life that has been severely altered and changed by his death. The fact that I will love my husband beyond the end of time - is not sad. It is goddamn beautiful. It is beautiful to take something as horrible and painful as a death, and with it, carve out pieces of comedy and joy and raw truth and life and hope. I mean - truly - what is more meaningful and beautiful than that? I choose to take the love with me. The person has died, yes. Our love will not die. Not ever. I get to carry the love with me. All of it. It is mine and it lives forever, echoing in each breathe. And when I die too - even when I die - the love that I have for my husband and the love that he has for me - will live on, even then. With love, there is no death. Only more love.


21 comments:

  1. Kelly, I am so sorry that these things happen, to you and to other people. Brene Brown (one of my favorites) talks about the fact that if you are brave enough to enter the arena (as you so clearly are) that people are going to try to knock you down. The challenge is to ignore (or let slide by) the people who are not brave enough to be in the arena. I believe that people who are so critical of our eternal love have never had an experience like ours. It is one of those crazy gratitude things for me. While I hate that he is gone (hate is such an insufficient word) I am so grateful to have had him in my life. People like your awful critic remind me that others have never had what I had (and lost). Hang in there.

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  2. Kelley,
    I agree 100% with Tracey and I am also sure that one of the things your husband loved most about you is your ability to make people laugh. Every time you do, you honor him! People who hide behind their computer and make negative remarks are no friends, but cowards. Don't let them bring you down. Life is hard enough without those so called "friends".

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  3. Kelley, my husband died like yours; suddenly of a heart attack in the middle of the night. Half of me died with him. We loved and adored each other. The person who criticized you is a coward and, apparently, has never shared a love like yours. That despicable person is jealous and hurtful beyond words. Like you, the love that my husband and I shared was and is forever and the pain of our loss is indescrible. I think you're awesome. Karen

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    1. Well thanks Karen. And Im so so sorry about your husband. I always feel a special sort of connection or bond with those that lost theirs the same way I lost mine. I guess that is pretty normal ...

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  4. If someone is truly concerned about you, genuinely worried that you are somehow on a wrong path, then they should gently speak to you in person about their concerns. Posting an anonymous criticism in which they admit knowing you would be upset shows just how wrong they are.

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  5. I'm sorry someone wrote that comment, and hope that you don't let it bother you. That person probably does believe that they are trying to help you, and have no idea how hurtful and upsetting it is. But by equating any problem that they have with you suddenly losing your husband, and thinking you could do anything but make your husband's sudden death the focal point of your life, they are just showing how completely clueless and insensitive they are.
    Be proud of yourself, and of your love for your husband. It is beautiful and admirable, and people who don't see that are not your friends.

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  6. It takes so much more courage to be in the arena, and it's so much more vulnerable. Anonymous posting takes ZERO courage. What you do? Shit tons of courage. *Drops mike and walks away*

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    1. Hahaha!!!! Cassie you rock! Love the "drops mic" thing lol.

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  7. Kelley Lynn, you already know a true friend doesn't hide behind a computer screen. They would say what they need to say to your face and they would also know that no two people grieve in the same way.

    I was just as angry as you when I read about your so called "friend' saying those things about you. I wanted to shout "West Siiiide!", put on some boxing gloves and go toe-to-toe with this "friend." How dare that person say those things about your journey!? Ugh!

    Then I realized that a better response is to know that in the audience of this arena that is your life, not everyone is entitled to sit in your front row. This "friend" should be in the last row of the balcony or maybe even outside still trying to buy a ticket. Either way, know that you don't need validation from this "friend." You are courageous and I thank you (and all widows/widowers) who share their stories. We will all heal eventually but we will always carry a piece of our loved one with us everywhere and those who think we're sad for doing that...BOO FRICKEN' HOO! *drops mic again, Cassie style*

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  8. So interesting - someone posted another one of these on my timeline just last week - I went a little postal the last time it happened - it was a story about an elderly couple who had been in a car accident (the husband's fault) and they both died holding hands at the hospital. Several of my friends thought this was touching - well, excuse me but my husband was killed by an elderly driver who hit him from behind. And I have also experienced people telling me I need to move on, but those same people would think the above story was touching. I'm so tempted to share your post on my FB, Kelley, but it's a waste of time - people just don't get it...

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    1. Yup. Its mind boggling. Its like, they can deal with it and think its all sweet and lovely as long as its written in some article or story, but as soon as it becomes a real life person that they know, they have the empathy and compassion of a brick wall.

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  9. People just suck sometimes. I'm sorry you've had a so-called friend do this to you anonymously, but I thank you for writing, for using your skills in comedy and writing to help those of us in the middle of it to walk our journey.

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  10. Screw people. Seriously, just screw them. Either a) they've had such nice "safe" emotionally void lives as to never lose anyone they love and wouldn't get a clue if whacked hard upside the head with a clue-by-four or b) they are assholes, either way, screw them.
    And, fwiw, if I could, I would have died with my husband, but instead, I'm doing the harder thing, living without him. Living is hard. It's worthwhile, but it is hard. Dealing with asshats like your "anonymous friend" makes it harder. You, like all of us, draw on life for humor, your life. To be criticized for that, is the emotional equivalent of being told A) your life is somehow "wrong" and b) that there can't be anything funny in your life because it's supposed to be "tragic" and that the tragedy is somehow lessened by the fact that you are living.
    Like I said, screw people.

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  11. You are awesome Kelley Lynn, I love your raw and honest communications. I'm about to hit 2 years out and I find that I live my pain alone because I no longer have anybody who thinks I should still be grieving and that includes some widows. I think our society sucks at how they accept grieving. True love never ever dies.

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  12. Kelley Lynn, you have already had so many supporters say what I'm about to say, but I'll enter the arena with you. I, too, wanted to put on boxing gloves and trounce this person. But I have fought jerks for so long I know they don't go away. I'd tell you to get them "out of your front row", visualize them stuck outside as your show is sold out. May your life be like that-- with you surrounded by so many loving, genuine people who understand that the haters get pushed aside. You DO honor your husband with your humor and your wonderful writing! This space has been incredibly helpful to me! (And I should not technically be here.) "Yes"!!! I wanted to shout, as you talked about how people go mushy over stuff on FB but cannot confront the R-E-A-L feelings of someone they know. (For me it's the Joan Rivers joke situation. A joke, said by a professional comedian on the set of a morning show DOES NOT compare to- once AGAIN!- being trapped by actual people in a locker room and interrogated and humiliated. That constitutes injury??) And it's been tough for me because no one seems to understand: "trapped" means one cannot say "None of your business"! and walk away. You once wrote "Keep in touch" so I'll give you my real name and you can contact me via Facebook. Doretta Johnson. You have a real gift and I hope you continue to share it. Don't worry about the haters-- it seems a bunch of us have your back. (Long distance backrub & hug! ��)

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    1. THank you Doretta. I will definitely look you up. I so appreciate the kind words xoxo.

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    2. Maybe you should find ME on FB. There seem to be several peeps with your name there, and I dont know which one it is.

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  13. Just want to add my voice to those throwing love and respect in your direction. I am one of many who listen to your honest and painful journey, I can't find enough words to express how your words and humour light my lonely world.

    Why should you hide the passion and the great depth of your love just because someone else has the emotional depth of a puddle.
    Keep true to your love. If you are raising an army to stand by you count me in

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  14. Seriously, Kelley Lynn. You know better than to put any stock into the ramblings of some naive fool who hasn't been where you and I have been. Stop it right now! You're too smart and too talented for that. No more of this kind of ridiculous drivel on your posts! Write about things that matter to those of us who are traveling this road alongside of you. Thanks.

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  15. Kelley,
    This made me laugh. Not at you but because people are so pathetic in their judgements and it makes me wonder about THEM! I feel as you do-I was blessed to have my husband Chuck for 24 years and the love he left behind for me is what is carrying me forward. So, I have to tell you: I write a blog (started when Chuck and I became Happily Homeless), and since his death, it has changed to chronicling this grief of mine. I've gone to the dark side, so to speak. And I had, a few months ago, someone post a comment about how pathetic I was and why didn't I go kill myself if I was so miserable, etc. I thought about her words for a couple weeks and considered IF I should respond and HOW. And I finally wrote a blog titled "Haters Will Hate" and made sure to message the hater (I'm notorious enough to have a hater!) with a link to that particular blog and in it I told her to go find her own love story. Periodically I message her cheerful death/grief stuff (though she may have blocked me by now-I need to check that out). So, I say to you-carry on, brave soul! Haters will hate and you just make sure you give them something TO hate! I applaud you in your efforts and I know the love you carry in your heart for your husband. I carry the same love for mine~

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