Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Like a Wheel Within a Wheel ......




...... these are our wedding rings.  A circle in a circle.
I had them put together like this at about 9 - 10 months out.  I wear them on a necklace.
I haven't worn them in a while, but lately, I've felt a strong pull to wear them.  A lot.
I don't know why and I've learned to not question things that I feel pulled to do.
I have also felt the missing of him stronger lately.
I'm sure that one thing is connected with the other.
I don't know why, I just know.

Even now, at almost 6 years out, the thought of how very much I still miss him makes me cry.  I cannot speak (or type) the words, "I miss him" without crying.
Ever.

Grief, and my "after", are like a circle within a circle.  They are intertwined with each other ...... forever.  The missing of him will never end.  Like a never ending circle.  I will always miss him and I suppose that I will always cry at the depth of the hole he left behind.  Within me.

Don't get me wrong.  My life is good.
Yes, it could be better, but I'll take good.
Because I can't have him.

I am happy.
It's a different happy, but I'll take happy ...... however it looks and feels.
Because I can't have him.
And I can't live miserably ...... missing him.

But I can continue to live, feel happiness, feel joy when it comes ...... and feel love in many different ways.
Even if I can't have him.
Because I can't have him.

I'll continue to love, live, be happy ...... and feel peace, even while I sometimes feel grief.
And miss him.
And cry.

It's a circle.
Within a circle.
And I'm blessed to live in that circle.
Because I was blessed to have him.









Windmills of Your mind

Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnaval balloon
Like a carousell that's turning
Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of it's own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle your head
Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking allong the shore,
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circle that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

5 comments:

  1. We all rember what we had and will take it with us on our last day in life. I feel blessed but also sad that I cannot share the special times anymore, and to go on with life without her.
    Peace be with you..

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  2. Janine, your post brought tears to my eyes. My husband died unexpectedly June 21, 2011, and I miss him more each day. I still expect to wake up from this nightmare and find him walking in the door. I realize that this longing for his touch; his kisses; his being will never end. We were together from the day we met until his death 16 years later. Within hours of meeting, it felt as if we had known each other forever; perhaps in a prior life. I was given the love of my life and I know I won't find that love again. Facing the rest of my days alone, without Rich, is too painful to accept. So, I wake up each morning, kiss his picture, and try to get through another day without him. I took my engagement ring, his wedding band, and my wedding band and had all three made into one ring; our three rings are together forever like our love.

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  3. Janine, thank you for such a wonderful gift today. I took his wedding band, my wedding band and put them on a necklace and wear it often. Today, at 3.5 years, I totally crashed this morning. I don't know why, I just did. Thank you for being so honest. I don't feel quite so alone or inadequate! You are a super lady!

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  4. Janine, Thank you for this post. Needless to say, it made me cry! I am 7 weeks today since my husband died. In 7 weeks this grief has already taken so many forms and there have been a few times when I've thought "So this is what it's going to be like. I can do this". And then it gets worse...and then it gets better...and then it gets worse. Right now it feels like it's settled in for a while at a pretty hard place. But during his illness he kept telling me "No matter what happens, you'll be okay" and I don't want to disappoint him and I will. It sounds like you're okay as well and I'm glad for that. Blessings to you.

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  5. Janine, Listening to this took my breath away. And it's by Sting... so the memories crashed together with images of our flash mob in San Diego. Crashing, windmilling, spinning, ... Thank-you for posting.

    Diane

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