If we only knew

Our baby boy, due November 30

I haven't really posted much about my pregnancy yet. Part of that has been because my life seems to be back-to-back craziness lately and I haven't found the time. The other part is that when I really sit down and think about what this pregnancy means in the realm of this community and the past that somehow effects every part of my future...it gives me anxiety. 

I have worked really hard to not think about my fears of losing Steve while pregnant. I've tried to be deliberate about keeping my mind on positive things. When I first found out, I couldn't sleep for a few days. It has subsided for the most part, but lately, I've found that the anxiety is creeping in again.

Each week I get closer to 26 weeks (which is the day that Jeremy died), I find myself gripping my chest, praying that God would spare me the pain of deja vu. I also remember a little more clearly details about my last few weeks of pregnancy with Jeremy alive the further I get along. Today, I've been thinking a lot about our last 4th of July together - watching the fireworks with his hand on my belly and smiling at the awestruck expressions of our children. Tonight, I can't help but think of the irony to be back in that place....but in a completely different way.

What it made me realize is that there's a reason we don't know our future ahead of time. If someone showed me the outline of life 5 years ago....I would have run screaming in the other direction. Yet here I stand, embracing experiences that hurt me in the past, learning to trust again, allowing wounds to re-open and heal properly. It's bittersweet, and yet I'm learning so much about myself as I go.

If I only knew....I probably wouldn't be where I am today.

I guess that's the point of trusting the journey.