Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Filling In Again

Well, since Janine is on vacation...you are all stuck with me again! And since I am writing for the second time this week, I started thinking about the purpose of this blog and about how far we've come since my first post.

If you are interested in a little Widow's Voice history, you will find it HERE.

From the very beginning of this blog the intention has been for our writers to share their widowed journey not by looking backwards (and with the benefit of hindsight), but by sharing their in the moment ups and downs. I wanted our readers to know what widowhood looks like from a variety of perspectives. I also wanted to provide a glimpse of widowhood for the long haul. Because contrary to popular belief widowhood doesn't last only one year. Believe it or not, our widow experience will color every part of our lives, and that is not always a bad thing. The thing is once you have lived the fact that people die up close and personal, it is a fact you will never forget.

So, in the spirit of what this blog is really about, I will share with you my own widowed journey right now.

I work with and for widowed people every day. There aren't words to describe how grateful and honored I am to be even a small part of walking with this community through despair and pain into hope and possibility. People look into my eyes and believe, sometimes based on my word alone, that this gets better. Hope is not just a word to me. Hope is a life line that I hold out, virtually and in person, over and over again. I can't imagine doing anything else.

I miss Phil. Every once in awhile there is a moment where I still forget he is dead. Thinking that he might be missing me too, and that he cares enough to send a "sign" my way once in a while brings tears to my eyes. I have long since stopped caring about whether signs are real or imagined. I figure this road is hard enough, take what comfort you can in messages, signs, or coincidence.

Yes, I am re-married. The photo above is of me and my husband Michael. He is a truly incredible man. He attends my presentations regularly. Yep, that would be the presentation when I talk about how much I love my dead husband. Michael is our Camp Widow camp photographer for the West Coast. He spends the entire weekend in San Diego photographing the event and trying to be sure I ate something! But maybe the most amazing thing about him is that he not only knows that I love Phil, he expects nothing less. In his mind it is ridiculous to assume that I would ever stop loving someone who meant so much to me. That statement is how he won my heart. I didn't have to give up my love for Phil to have new love in my life. Besides all of the understanding he shows with regards to my widowhood, he enhances my life. We live, we laugh, we love, we plan, and we know that our time together is finite. Somehow that makes life sweeter.

Being married doesn't remove my widowed experience. In fact, there are a few ways that Phil's death impacts my life with Michael....I always remind Michael not to get hit by a car. If he hasn't exercised in awhile I will remind him that death is not an option so he better get to taking care of himself. On a road trip he took with a friend not long ago, we discovered that I didn't like talking to him on the phone while he was away. Some weird part of my brain decided that if I didn't talk to him on the phone I could distance myself enough emotionally that if he died it wold hurt less. Yes, I know this is ridiculous. But that was the widow part of my brain talking...you all know better than to try to make sense of that!

My message for you today is that this gets better. There are no short cuts through the pain. Healing takes as long as it takes. Moving forward will not be seamless. Community matters. Hope matters. And there is no risk of you forgetting, or not loving, or leaving behind your loved one. They reside in the safest place possible now....inside of you.


13 comments:

  1. Michele,

    This is a wonderful message, beautifully expressed.
    Thank you.
    I am glad I got to meet you at Camp Widow East and appreciate the hope you are sharing.

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  2. Thank you so much for this...it gives me hope that one day I will live,laugh and love again!

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  3. You have made a little easier for me to understand about being a widow and being married. I hurt when I picture myself in a new relationship. I love that your Michael (my husband's name too) is not threatened by your love for Phil. I'm glad you say that we will never leave behind our loved one, because that is what circles through my mind during the darkest times.
    Thanks for your post!

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  4. Beautiful post, once again, Michele. I particularly needed that last paragraph, most notably the "moving forward will not be seamless"; as I am in a particularly tough time right now. Son's Confirmation, 8th grade graduation and the 4th anniversary of Dave's death/Father's day all in a 7 day time span. I feel like I'm walking that slippery slope again. BUT, I do know this time that it won't permanently pull me down, and that once I get through this, however long it takes, I can get back to the "forward" progression again. Most of that I've learned through this blog and through Camp Widow - so thanks to all who write and all who present, and to you Michele for how you bring it all together!

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  5. Thank you for the post, Michele. I love knowing there are good men out there like ours who are supportive of our love for our dead husbands. I hope to meet you soon too!

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  6. Hope matters!
    Thank you for giving us this place of hope~

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  7. When I tell people that I belong to in-person and an online widows support groups, they automatically think they must be depressing places and why would I do that to myself. My life is depressing enough, right? Oh, so not true! Posts like this are what keep me coming back to Widowed Village, Camp Widow and the blogs. I feel so much hope for my future and that someday it will include a new love who will understand my love for my late husband. Thank you, Michele!

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  8. Thank you all for your kind words, and for sharing your own stories here. bogie you are SO right, most people assume that widowed support is the biggest downer you could find...but that is because they can't imagine anything else. We know better. :)

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  9. In those moments that I do glance back over my shoulder, I am reminded that hope, healing and abundant life are very much a part of my life even though I miss my Curt terribly at times. It does get better. LOVE the blog and sit back thinking on what you've written with a smile.

    @claiib_leslie

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  10. "And there is no risk of you forgetting, or not loving, or leaving behind your loved one. They reside in the safest place possible now....inside of you.:

    Thank you. I needed to hear this. I see others forgetting and wonder if I will. I fear my 8 year old son will forget his father. I don't want to ever lose him.

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    1. You won't forget, the love and the years and even the pain of this loss are tattoos on your heart. Thanks for reading, and be gentle with yourself while you take just one step at a time.

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  11. THIS: "In his mind it is ridiculous to assume that I would ever stop loving someone who meant so much to me." Yes! And, of course, your statements at the end.... A thousand thank yous for holding out that lifeline!

    LOVE that picture of you. You are so beautiful! And you *know* that's because your "inside" shines through your "outside." =) Love you!

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    1. You are so sweet, thank you. And the thing I love about this photo is that I look relaxed and happy at the same time. Being able to relax into happiness took me a long time...I consider getting to this place a huge blessing! xo!

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